I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
