Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
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I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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