I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
