im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
