Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Are we still banned from the library?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
