hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
