her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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