what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage