I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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