So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
