Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
