During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
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in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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