I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
