if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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