Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
