you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize