Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
