I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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