Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
