She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
