I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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