Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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