the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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