I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
