My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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