I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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