good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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