Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
