I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
