Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
