I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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