So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
