My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
