I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
