some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize