Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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