You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
