I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
