I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
