Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
