Someone shit on the floor
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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