i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm too high and old for this...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
