I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
