low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize