sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
