the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
