Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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