Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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