the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
