Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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