Hey man sorry I got all grabby
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
