swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
