Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
