After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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