This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
