my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
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Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
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We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea