I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
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Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
This is my gift to your gina
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.