I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize