State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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