Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
