if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
