friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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