i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
