im about as happy as oj after his trial
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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